Finding Joy in a Seemingly Hopeless Place (2020)

For the last week, I’ve anticipated this day with an air of gratitude that I’ve never felt before. The concept of my birthday has always been special to me, but today, In this year, it feels like winning the lottery. I used to hear people say I’m just happy to be alive, but I never understood how life could be the thing that motivates someone to feel happy. Yet, If 2020 has done nothing else, It’s forced me to sit in isolation, reflect on my life and respect the time I have, because it’s not guaranteed to me. 

I’ve experienced far more loss in the 9 months of this 1 year than I could ever have believed I could take standing up. I’ve basically spent the last 6 months grieving. I’ve mourned the loss of close loved ones, good friends, my sense of normalcy and for a while event the loss of my sense of self. I am emotionally tired and most specifically I am emotionally tired of grieving. And although just saying that doesn’t change anything or make it better, it does give me a reason to be purposeful with my joy. I am clear that in this lifetime, I can not get back any moments or the people that have passed due to the complexities of 2020, but today I am deliberately choosing to be grateful for the time I spent with those beautiful people and grateful for the time I have left to spend with everyone else who is still physically here.

Today, I choose to enjoy every text message, and every social media message. And I am so excited to accept every FaceTime and phone call. Today, I plan to take pictures, and to savor the moments of the people I plan to celebrate with and to make a memory good enough, that even if this is the last time we share a moment, that best moment we remember, ever. Today, I will take deep breaths, and smile really hard. Today, I look forward to celebrating that I am here and I have so much to be grateful for. Today, I will dance and pose and give the best of myself to the people around me. Today, I will wear the most obnoxiously formal red dress with even more obnoxious gold sneakers, because I’ve learned this year more than ever there is no time like the present to look and feel your best. Today, I will be just be great and will thank God for giving me an additional day this year to purposefully and intentionally find love and joy in a seemingly hopeless place. 

Happy 33 to me… to cheers to you…