An October Not So Fest(ive)

Tomorrow is October 1st, which usually means the start of the holidays for me. It's usually around this time that I would start to coordinate holiday plans, gifts and gripes alongside my brother. Everyone in our immediate family lived in a separate state, so spending quality time required foresight and planning which was mostly left up to me to plan and my brother to send his money or show up. Even so, I loved this. We would handle much of this over text messages and some how all gifts and flights were executed with success. We'd sign all the gifts and cards "From Kai and Ricardo". Because that's how you hold it down when you're a pair.

This year of course is hard. As one could imagine, as I have approached the two month mark of his passing and funeral and I have experienced several milestones that have knocked the wind out of me, completely. I still don't feel like I've been able to catch my breath. Since he passed I've navigated our Family Reunion without him. I can't even begin to explain the hole in my heart while watching everyone embrace their siblings and take selfies with them, while I severely missed mine. I had my first birthday without getting a call from my brother. How ironic was it that the call I wanted the most on that day was the call I'll never receive again. I even had that one moment where a hilariously insane moment happened and the only person who would understand the gravity of the impact while respecting the secrecy of the situation, was him, and I couldn't text him the play by play of the madness. I'm still not sure how to navigate this grieving process.

As the holiday season approaches, there is an added layer of sadness. Holidays are usually a time of joy and celebration, but this year, it's hard for me to feel it. My brother was such an integral part of my holiday traditions and now everything feels different without him.

I miss his jokes, his laughter and his presence. I miss how he would cover his mouth when he leaned in close to speak to you. I miss the way he would tower over everyone in pictures and I loved to stand next to him in those photos because being next to him made me so proud. I miss the way he hated how particular I was about things but always caved to my big sister pressure. I miss being able to call him up and I even miss his one worded text responses.

We didn't celebrate every holiday together, as we often had to divide and conquer our family, but last year was so special. We had a blast during Thanksgiving and the memories are bittersweet as that would be our last holiday spent together. It's hard to even think about celebrating without him this year. I know it's something that I will have to face and eventually come to terms with, but for now, the thought of going through the holidays without him just feels unbearable.

I find myself getting lost in memories of past holidays spent with my brother and I am filled with a deep sense of longing. I remember the days when we used to meticulously unwrap Christmas gifts, and then put them back together while our parents were at work or shopping, because we wanted to practice our responses just in case we didn't like our gifts, and sometimes we dodged some bullets. Yes, we've been assholes even in childhood, LOL!

This year is particularly rough as it's been a year filled with loss. Just 5 months ago I was deciding how to decorate my Christmas tree so it would be perfect for my upcoming baby and contemplating if I would have to take maternity leave in November as the baby's due date was December 13th. I was picking out matching Christmas pajamas and wondering if I should get a pair for my brother because I wanted him to be with us for this monumental first of many holidays with a new addition. Now here I am, in October-- and I lost my baby in May, my brother in July and my job in August. Ironically, the latter doesn't even feel like much of a loss because the former 2 have been so soul crushing. And to be candid, leading change in a culture that only half way respected inclusion was breaking my soul. More on that another day. Did I mention I am also creeping up on the 1 year anniversary of my childhood best friend's murder? the last 12 months have taken its toll on me. So much so that I've spotted my first set of gray hairs.

What sucks is I don't have anything enlightening to say right now. Usually in a blog post there's a moment of reflection and then a silver lining. This post however is more of a purge, so I can get on with my week, but I also know that there are others who are also struggling with their own grief, especially as the holiday season approaches. So if you're reading this and feeling similar emotions, please know that you are not alone.

I miss my brother more than words can express. And I know that he would want me to keep going, to push through as he hated ever being a burden to anyone. But it doesn't mean that the pain and the missing him won't be there. It will always be there, especially during this time of year.

I wish I could say that writing this post has brought me some kind of closure or peace, but the truth is, nothing can replace the loss of Papito and most certainly not within the next few months.